No this is not some self-loathing I hate my body thingy. I don’t mean I’m unsatisfied with the way I look. I’m not saying I want John Abraham abs or Brad Pitts face.

I’m saying I hate my body. I hate it because of its limitations. I hate it because it’s aging.I hate it because it gets tired. It needs to be fed. It wants Oxygen. And Water. And it wants food that tastes good. And even after it gets all of that it dies on me.

Not today (hopefully).

But eventually.

What kind of hardware is that? I mean my mind is raring to go. My mind is still 18 (maybe younger). But my body? Nope. My body continues to deteriorate no matter how hard I or any disciplined Mickey Mehta treats it. My body sucks.

When I read about an amputee getting an artificial limb or some poor kid who lost his arm in an accident being fitted with a a bionic arm I’m thinking – hang on I’d like me one of that. I mean if things run smoothly, this 12 year old kids arm is going to be way better than mine. It will probably have sensors, bluetooth connectivity and enough strength to beat me at panjaa.

Then again, why stop at my arm? Eventually,  I’d love to replace my whole body with an Iron Man-esque exoskeleton. Imagine it – eyes that could read heat signatures, legs like Oscar Pistorius, brain connected to the internet. And if any of these fail I can simply have them replaced. Yes, I know it’s going to cost me a lot of money. But I figure that will work itself out.

Soon we will have to choose between two types of Body Upgrades: a Mobile upgrade and/or a Sedentary one. Let me explain. Most of us live sedentary lives which by the way we totally love. The problem, once again – our bodies – our bloody bodies can’t handle being sedentary. They need to be exercised and so we are forced to get up from our chairs, our couches, our beds and made to walk.

What the hell?? I mean really, who’s in charge here? Me or my body? I’m sick of my body already. Enough is enough. The human species has for long been let down by our fragile carbon based cars. By cars I mean body. Because that’s all a body is. A car. It takes us from one physical place to another. And that to it does it very slowly. All my body is, is a car without wheels. What a bloody con job.

What I’m hoping is the Internet of Things quickly moves to the Internet of Beings so I can just go in for a body replacement. And I can choose between a Mobile Body (more expensive) or a Sedentary one (just an internet enabled brain with no body). And for times when I physically want to go see the sun set or some shit like that, maybe I’ll simply Uber a body.